Sooooooo I'm going to write yesterday's blog today. . .
Teenage Years ::
These are supposed to be the most fun years, why do they not feel that way as a teenager? Teenagers are supposed to be enjoying the young years. . .how in the world are we supposed to do that if your parents are jumping down your throat every ten seconds for every little thing? How can we enjoy life as a teenager if we are so prohibited from everything. There are fun things we can do, lots of fun things; but in all reality not many of us will be able to experience those fun things due to the overprotectiveness (just made up a new word :D) of our parents and guardians. They are either too strict or overprotective. Is there even a difference? I don't know but yeah. . .lol I think they should just go away for a while. You know how teachers have teachers conventions. . .there should be some sort of parent convention, where ALL parents go to and leave their children parent free. That could cause some kind of chaos but hey. . .let a kid be a kid, let a teenager have their fun. After all, it's our world when you're dead !! lol :D
From your freshmen days, all the way to your senior days is supposed to be the happiest days of your life. Hyperbole? Maybe just a little.
There will never be a day you walk down the halls of any high school and there's a smilee on every persons face. There will be at least one girl with mascara running down her cheeks, or puffy red eyes. There will be at least one guy that looks sooooo tense and uptight that any little thing will make him explode.
Why is it that when you're happie, it seems like the rest of the world is in like a SUPERRRR depression; but when you're down and superrrr depressed, it seems as though everyone around you couldn't be happier? Or is that just me?!
It's becoming more and more often I see tears running down the faces I care for most. And the main reason being because of little things. "High school" things. My boyfriend won't talk to me, he's keeping something from me, he's hiding his emotions from me. My girlfriend broke up with me...again! This time they were serious, it's really over. But then by the end of the night, the girlfriend is right back with them, and the boyfriend is right there talking to them again. (*it is possible, but not many people find there lifetime mate in high school. So chill out!!)
High school years should not be full of tears.
You shouldn't get so upset over the little things that go on within the halls. There should be smiles on your face for days. There should be laughter flowing from all directions. But there isn't.
Take too many pictures, laugh wayyy too much, and remember that every second you spend upset, sad, or depressed is a second of happiness you will NEVER get back.
High school years should not be full of tears.......remember that people !! :D
Hmmmm......now that I think of it, what would the world do if at random moments the people of the world had this little glitch thingy in our DNA, that whenever we thought too much or was too stressed or angry even, our speech would just go right back when we were three or four. Haha can you imagine?!
"I'm having the absolute WORST day of my......goo goo ga ga!!"
Lol. That would be pretty funnie. Or at least I think it would be. Can you imagine attempting to go off on someone, and then your language just completely vanishes to the speech of a child?! Lol, I think that would make a pretty interesting argument.
I think if that actually did happen, the world would in fact be a better place. I mean people who HATE it when that happens would yell less, stress less, etc.... And new mothers would be able to communicate with their temper tantrum throwing toddlers wayyyyyy more easily lol.......
Sounds like a happie place to me, don't cha think?! Lol.
I dropped her. I left her completely alone, and I found my happiness again. Leaving her has opened the door for a group of wonderful girls to enter my life.
They know how to make me feel better when I'm having an off day. They can read me very clearly, they see right through my eyes into my heart. They together have helped restore the pieces of my terribly shattered heart. And they help me keep it in good shape.
I realized that I'm much happier with them then I ever was with her. She brought me down. She made me feel weak. Her misery rubbed off on me. Being around her tore me apart. With her was this feeling of loneliness. Her depression was so deep that it was able to grab me and pull me down with her. Surrounding her was this dark hole that would suck the life out of me. It drained my heart of any emotion. Ripped my mind of any positive thought. I had to drop her. I couldn't be around her any longer. With her, I was a wreck. Leaving her wasn't easy. I don't know how I did it. They helped me though.
They changed me. They made me smile. They helped me find happiness again. They sealed the wound she slashed open. They filled it with love and care. They filled me with life again. I have no idea how they did it. They made me feel good, they made me feel happie. There's no depression with them. There's no black hole of misery following and surrounding them when they walk. It's just them. It's impossible for one of them to be that way when there's soooooo many good spirits around them always there to make them feel better. They're always there for each other. There's always someone to talk to with them. They never hold anything against each other. They don;t hold grudges between them. They know the true meaning of a friend; and they set a god example of it.
They decided to share that with me.
Everyday they make me smile. I can see them and a smile comes to my face. A real smile. Not the smile I put on for most of the world to see. The smile that comes on my face when they're around holds such life in it. Holds such happiness behind it. If a smile doesn't appear in their presence they know the magic spell to make it come out of nowhere.....just POOF!
They are good people. They make me happie! ILYGUYSZZZ!
I've taken my break, haven't written in a month...literally! I think my time is up and I should get back to my writing. I've decided to start a new thing...."Random Mondays." I take my most random thought monday morning and just blog about it. Mondays seem to be every one's weak point. Just getting back to the norm after the weekend, and most of the time your reminiscing from the nights before or still getting over it. Your thoughts go all over the place and you have the most RANDOM totally off guard thoughts. Or maybe that's just me! hehe. But anyways, I'll keep you all posted on those random thoughts of mine. They are usually pretty funnie, and I think I could use some type of comedy within my blogs!!
Having you on my brain is worse than having a song stuck in my head. The song I know will go away as soon as another song is played. You I can't tell if it will ever go away. Just because another person comes along, doesn't mean that you will be pushed to the far back of my mind. No, I can't see that happening at all. You are still on my brain and I think that's my broken hearts side effect. You will forever be on my mind.
My mind wants me to go, and my heart wants to stay. I think the two of them made some sort of compromise. My heart can't have you so it convinced my mind to always be thinking of you. Not much of a fair compromise, but it just may be better to deal with it that way. Rather than driving you completely away and forcing myself to forget about you. Now that I think of it, that it would be nearly impossible with the type of person you are, and with the way I see you everyday.
Yeah.....good job heart of mine! Good call! hehe =0]
I try my hardest to compose my emotions. It is becoming more and more difficult as each day passes. I try my hardest to make myself invisible to you, but I know I'm not; and that's what hurts. The fact that you can see me, and you just choose to not acknowledge it.
Where are you when I need you? Where can I find you? Will this game ever end? Will you ever come forth into the light? Where are you?
For so long I've tried my hardest to make you blind to my existence, but I know it doesn't work. But why won't it work? Why can't you go away? It's hard to leave you if you don't leave. It's hard to make you blind. So now I've turned the tables. I'm the one that's blind now. I'm the one that's gonna pretend I don't see you. I think it will be easier this way. I cannot change you, but I can change me. I do not know how hard it may be to make myself blind to your presence; but I will try. It's hard to not look in your direction, but so far; I've been okay. It is hard to turn my cheek; from a sight my eyes desire soooo badly. But so fat, I've been okay.
Believe it when I say it. It may be a lie, but believe it. Maybe you just giving up will help me give up. But then again, knowing the way my heart operates, that may not be the best idea.
I'm trying so hard to make my heart okay with everything that's happening. Even though it's not. I'm trying so hard to make my mind take full control over my emotions. Even though it shouldn't be in control at all. I'm trying so hard, for you.
"Are you blind?"
Don't be blind anymore. Don't pretend to be blind anymore. Leave that up to me.
I think I can do it now.................
Love hurts sooo bad. Bad enough to drive people insane. Bad enough to make people want to end they're lives.
"Well all I really wanna do is love you, a kind much closer than friends use. But I still can't say it after all we've been through. And all I really want from you is to feel me, as the feeling inside keeps building. And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me."
"For you....That's the strange thing. It's actually yours now. I don't know why it works this way, but I'm never gonna be able to get over you, and so from now on, every girl that I meet will be meticulously compared to you, and unfortunately none of them will be able to measure up to the false memory of what you and I once "had". Well maybe I can just keep it for a little while, and use it for small things like, I don't know, when I've had a really shitty day, or when I need someone to talk to, or if I need someone to move something really heavy, and then eventually, I'll give it back to you.....Unfortunately, it won't work that way....Why not?......Well, now that you have my heart, I'm pretty much an empty cavity inside, and for a lack of a better term, heartless. I will now treat each woman I meet with a passive aggressive contentiousness that will ruin relationship after relationship, for many years to come......."
You cannot live without your heart. If someone has your heart, you're gonna go to them; to get it back, to make sure they take care of it, or to just be there with them; because that's where your heart is. If your heart is with someone else, you're going to do everything you can to stay with your heart. Without your heart, you're dead. If your heart is happily beating in someone else's hands, your gonna leave it there. You're not going to take it and imprison it back within your ribcage. You're going to leave it there and push aside all the voices in your head. You're going to leave it there and completely ignore all the words they say that translate into "go away". You will leave your heart there in their hands. You will allow them to leave their fingerprints all over your heart from the way they squeezed so hard on it. You will allow them to step all over the chambers from their attempts to make your heart want to go away. You won't do a damn thing, because that's what your heart wants. That's where your heart wants to be. That's where your heart feels happie....for whatever reason.
"If I should be so bold, I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand."
Throw it, drop it, kick it, cut it, stab it, destroy it. It's still in your hands regardless.
"And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me.....it might kill me."
I'll try with all my might, to stay with my heart. I will swallow every word of hate that might want to slip from my lips. I will burst my eardrums just so that I won't have to hear the voices telling me to stop. I will smoke and drink my brain cells away just so that I won't have to ability to think of any reason to step away from what my heart wants. But eventually, deep down I can feel it, I will have to leave my heart behind....."it might kill me."
I guess I didn't drive far enough. Boredom struck and 11:11 last night. I think of a list of people I should call, people I wouldn't mind talking to. None of them I call, but on my mind they remain. Just for a quick moment, you cross my mind. Before my eyes blink, your number appears on the phone.
"We still got that connection."
Is this something that will ever go away? Will there ever be a time when I think of you and take a quick glance at the phone and instantly you dial the numbers to my phone? How does that happen? That is like the weirdest thing ever. How many other people do you know that as soon as they think of that one person, they end up calling or texting, or showing up at your door step? That is very weird. There was even a time, it was 3 o'clock in the morning; I had a dream of you and for some strange reason looked at the phone...RING RING RING....it was you. I don't understand it.
How can I stop this?
8 different lockers,
7 chewed up pencils,
6 lousy partners,
4 broken crayons,
3 rotten apples,
2 pink erasers,
and a desk with some gum underneath.
9 pop quizzes,
10 different projects,9 pop quizzes,
8 different lockers
7 chewed up pencils,
6 lousy partners,
4 broken crayons,
3 rotten apples,
2 pink erasers,
and a desk with some gum underneath.
"If I had one wish. One wish, one wish, one wish."
To forget. To forget the high hopes I had. To forget the thoughts of us being together....ever. To forget the way that I loved you. Forget the way I thought it felt so right. To forget. To no longer remember the pain it all causes to remember. To forget how it all began, even more, how it ended. To forget the days I ignored the voices telling me no. To forget the days I gave into the voices telling me not to give up. To forget the days when your voice lured me back to planet Pluto. To forget the days when your touch shot hurricanes of happiness through my veins. To forget it all. To believe it never happened. To believe it was all just my imagination. To know that it was all a beautiful nightmare. To forget everything. Anything and everything that makes my heart want to come right back to you. Anything and everything that makes my heart want to jump right back out and into your hands. To forget....you.
You want to be with me, this you've made clear. If you didn't our conversation wouldn't be so intimate. Baby isn't a name used for "just a friend". A kiss in certain places aren't meant for "just friends" to have. An 'I love you' isn't to be said the way it has been said to a "friend". The tension between us is impossible to be lust. Lust doesn't last very long. We've been at this for years now. So lust is out of the question. But it isn't love either. So what exactly is it then?
"More than friends, less than lovers."
That seems very true. There's something stopping us from being more than friends. Her. Why is she still on your arm? Why haven't you told her yet? It can't be because you love her, I find that impossible now. You haven't made it clear in any way that she is the one you love. So why? Why haven't you left her yet? Is it really that difficult to tell her how you truly feel? She can't be that difficult, and I know she doesn't have that kind of control over you. So why? The only thing I can think of is that you must not mean the things you say. If you do, then why is she still between us? Only reason I have, is that you really don't want to be with me. If I'm wrong, wouldn't we be together by now? I don't know, it's hard to read you. It's hard to tell what you want now, because she's still in the picture.
When you figure it out, let me know.
So the feelings are gone, or at least I want them to be. And it's no secret she feels the same way as well. Hoping that they go away, wishing they never came about in the first place.
"And yet, to say the truth, reason and love keep little company together nowadays."
I was warned, but blinded I was. My heart made the decision before my mind could register what was really happening. By then it was already too late, my heart jumped too fast. Straight into disaster.
"It was wrong to stay with you when we want such different things."
I should have known better. I don't know why I stood there, allowing all of this to happen. I'm sure around that time my mind was long gone, through with over thinking the situation.
"I've givin' so much in the past, for a love I never had. I'm through with it, through with it love...I'm finally giving it up."
She said it's possible to be sick of love because you feel like it's not working or not meant for you. That it's only a temporary feeling, and that it's only until I find someone deserving of me I'd really understand that before the love I had just wasn't the love for me, it was there just not compatible with my heart. It sounds about right, but I think it'll be easier to just give up all around.
"It's either laugh or cry, and I prefer to laugh."
The things you hesitate to tell me may hurt, but it hurts even more you holding it back from me. It's bad enough I can't I have you, it makes it worse that you can't talk to me either. You make me cry, but eventually I end up smiling. So don't worry about me, it only hurts even more that you worry so much. It may be hard to understand but you worrying so much and me still not being yours makes it hurt to wonder why you worry so much if I'm not yours.
.....just a thought.
Yes I did not listen, but it's okay. I feel fine now, I think. I can't cry anymore, and I'm no longer bleeding. It hurts, yes; but it was something I had to do I guess. I don't listen because you're never right. You always tell me to leave, and when I do, I feel even more hurt than I would have been if I just stayed. I didn't want to do that this time. I saw something in her, and although it didn't last, at least I know I tried this time.
"The pain you suffer you have inflicted upon yourself."
Yeah that's true as well, but I'll be okay, with time it'll all just go away. I didn't have to go through any of this, but it would have happened eventually I'm sure. She warned me, along with everyone else. I can't blame anyone but myself, so I won't. I tried this new thing when I didn't give into peer pressure at the wrong time I guess. Love may not be meant for me, but at least I can say that I've tried, and I didn't give up. I didn't allow anyone to pull me away from her. I didn't let you overpower my way of feeling. Love is just love, nothing more nothing less? That's true, I can't make love mean anymore than it does. I can't change it anymore than it has been changed. More scars and bruises are left, but it's alright. Time heals all wounds, no matter how long it takes, I will be better. Don't hurt yourself anymore because of me, you made a promise you wouldn't. Stick to it, or then she'll really leave. And then I'd really be hurt.
"The pain that you suffer you have inflicted upon yourself."
You should realize that. And you better not blame her for this either. She told you ahead of time not to do this. She didn't come right out and tell you. But she did send her subliminal messages. You ignored them. "I don't want your feelings to get any stronger for me." aka....don't let yourself continue what you're doing. aka....step the fuck back. aka....STOP NOW! But you didn't listen. Why didn't you listen? For once, can you just listen to what I tell you so I won't have to think of new ways to hurt myself to heal your pain? For once, can you just listen when I say 'this won't end up the way you think it will'? For once, just once; listen to me. If you listened I wouldn't be dxmn near killing myself now to end your pain. You're ridiculous. It's impossible for you to be happie with someone else. Get it through your chambers. . .you're not meant for love.
I think that suits me well. I was told plenty of times to leave love alone. To leave it for the elders to deal with. But I am hard-headed and stubborn. I saw love coming, and instead of moving out of its path, I stood still and let is knock me down. I stood still and allowed myself to 'taste the pain that is reserved only for the strong'. Clearly I am far too weak to handle its wrath. But practice makes perfect? No. That can't possibly work with love. Are you supposed to fall in love a million times before you get it right? That can't work, people are lucky to fall in love once, let alone twice, three times.
"I loved him, much more than I should, and yet, still nowhere near enough. I was in love with him, but it was not enough to change anything, it was only enough to hurt us more."
This is hurting us more isn't it? The more I fall for you, the worse off we are. I want to stop, believe me, I truly do. I just cannot find it within myself to let you go. You haven't a clue the difficulty it is wanting to leave this time, and not being able to. Any other time, any other person; it would have been over already, I would have already left. I just don't understand why I can't stop loving you. This is very confusing. I don't understand. I feel like I'm back in my calculus class....if you could only see the look on my face. It something you see in a cartoon when Spongebob is explaining something to Patrick. I bet you understand that analogy. lol. That's exactly the way my face is right now.
"...everyday thinking bout you, looking at my own eyes in the rear view. Catchin flashbacks of our eye contact...I would hold you in my arms and ease your fears, I can't believe it; I ain't had a crush in years."
Well in years....maybe not, but its been a while. I think about you more than I thought I did. Ever have a habit that's so bad, you don't even realize when you're doing it? You are my habit. Thinking of you, is its action I guess you can call it.
Sighhh...I have no idea what I'm gunna do with you. But I'll let you know when I figure it out.
I don't have it in me to give up. So I won't. Besides, because of the fact that everyone thinks that I should just give it up already makes me want to stay even more. As a rebel, I usually do the opposite of what people tell me to do. lol. But tell me to love you, I bet that's one thing I will do; now and forever more.
I don't know what it is about you. You're the person that kicks someone and then tell them you love them lol. Most of the time I'm that person. =0p. When you're not here, it's unheard of how much I miss you.
I can't think of anything that occupies my mind as much as you. Anyone who I took the time to like, like I did with you. I can't think of anyone else who I let my heart go to naturally, as opposed to forcing it.
"When you're near me, I don't know what to do, I feel like a fool. . ."
My thoughts are so mixed with you around. You don't have to be there in person to still have that affect on me. We can be on the phone and your voice will send my body into an instant shiver.
"I'll be your rain in the summer, your chill in the fall. I'll be what you want, anything at all."
This summer has been one of my favorites. Usually I would absolutely HATE summer vacations. There would be absolutely nothing to do. No one to talk to. This summer, I saw you. A lot. I didn't think I would. I thought that over the summer our feelings would fade. They got stronger...that surprises me. I tried my best to keep the feeling neutral. . .that went wayyyyy differently in my mind. haha. Come this fall, I can only hope, my feelings stay the same, and bring us even closer. But my doubts are still there. You know why.
"I'll be your fire in the winter, the sun in your spring. I'll do what you want, give you everything."
Boy oh boy, winter. Not one of my favorite seasons, but your love will keep me warm. And as I, you. You will hold as long as I need to be held. Yes, my Angel will keep me safe, until the storm has passed. Spring, the best season there is. Exactly after spring break---"I remember". I will never forget.
"I'll be there for you, keeping you warm, through the storm. I'll guide you, stand by you. Until the stars fall from the sky. . .You don't have to search no more. You don't have to dream. . .what I've got inside for you, is more than you'll ever need. You don't have to search no more, my heart is yours. For real, for sure."
Love for all seasons, love for all time.
People say I'm a fool for allowing my heart to fall for your traps. They say I'm pretti dumb to think that you could feel the way you say you feel towards me. Apologies go out to them to, for not listening to them either. Plenty of times my mind thought to give in to their words. But my heart was still in your hands. I can't try to persuade my heart if I don't have it.
I don't want you to give my heart back. If you put it back, it won't be the same. I'm sorry.
As the tears stroll down my cheeks, I wonder why I still love you? Why I still care? I don't know the reasons for any of this anymore. My mind has given up trying to find reasons as to why my heart feels the way it does. I'm sorry. I just do. I don't think there's a reasonable reason anymore. I just like you. I'm sorry. I just love you. I'm sorry.
People say that the way I feel, the way I get when I'm around you---I'm in love. But I refuse to think, believe, and admit that I'm in love with someone who does not feel the same way towards me. I've done that too many times before and an unhappie ending it was. That's not what I want this time around. I'm sorry.
I love you for who you are, the simple things you do. I'm sorry. I cannot help it. It's something I no longer have control over. Don't tell me to not feel the way I do.....
I'm sorry, but I just can't do that.
For someone I love so much, she sure knows how to make me rethink the reasons why I love her. Always leaves me thinking why I bother.
"If you're gunna hurt me, then do it quickly."
If you know that somewhere down the line you're going to hurt me, if you know that eventually you're going to fck up, why bother? Why still put up with me? Why not just leave now? You don't want me to leave, DON'T GIVE ME A REASON TO!!! You don't want this to be the end, DON'T GIVE ME A REASON TO MAKE IT BE!!!!!
You have fears inside. You're starting to do the same exact thing I used to do. STOP allowing your mind to over think everything. It's only going to make things worse at the end. You're loving with your mind. STOP IT! Don't do that to yourself. It makes everything hurt more, you should listen to me, I'm one to know. You're ignoring you're heart. I understand you're confused. You love me, you love him. I get that you don't know which one you're better off with; but STOP getting in the mind state that something is going to go wrong. If you think negative, sweetheart that's all that will happen.
"Love, so many things I've got to tell you. But I'm afraid I don't know how, 'cause there's a possibility that you'll look at me differently."
Why can't you accept the fact that I like you? Why can't you accept that me liking you is not going to change? You don't want me to like you, just because you don't want to hurt me. You can hurt me, that is true. But that's a part of loving someone.
"Loving someone is giving them ability to hurt you, but trusting them not to."
I love you very much, but the things you do sometimes just makes me want to leave. Never to return. I honestly don't want to do that. Don't make me. I'm not saying that the reasons I leave will be all at your fault, but the things you say, the things you do; they influence that decision more than you may think.
I have no idea what to do with you. The people I turn to tell me that there's nothing I can do. As a control freak, you can't imagine how much that drives me insane.
If you feel the way you do, let it rock. Don't think about it. Let your heart take care of things. Don't put your mind to do unnecessary work. That's what you're doing at the moment, you should know that. I'm not saying don't think about anything you do, don't think so much about it that you feel the need to just drop it. Feel the need to just drop me.
Stop thinking about it. Just feel. Just love.
Love at first sight, no longer a possibility for me. For some reason it just doesn't exist in my nature. But the very day you waltz into the classroom, I felt something. I remember it was something I shouldn't have felt so I looked away, kept to myself. You came to me. You hugged me, didn't let go. At least not until the teacher started to complain I wasn't doing my work. I went to sit down back at my computer. I remember my body was very sore, you attempted to sit on my lap. I decided it would be best if I sat on yours instead. I felt you watching me as I did my work. I was drawing a garage floor plan. After a while of silence, I spoke.
"Sooooooo. . .wassup?!"
Casual conversation continued. A little laughter, but not too quickly was the happie ever after.
"You look like there's something you want to talk about, something on your mind."
"Yeah, there is."
You didn't really want to tell me, it was like you wanted me to guess what was going through your mind. Maybe you thought I hadn't noticed. . .your hands---traced my legs, my thighs, my lower back. Back and forth, back and forth. A smile was on your face. I was very curious as to why.
"What do you want to talk about?"
"Umm, well, do you like someone?"
"Uhh, it's a guy right?"
"It's a girl?"
"Hmm, uhh okay. Do I know them?"
. . . .
"Do I talk to them everyday?"
"Lol. I don't know, do you talk to yourself everyday?"
I remember, my reaction was funnie to you. Your laughter from that day stayed with me. Still lingers in my thoughts now even. In that moment I made a decision, the same decision I make when anyone tells me they have some type of interest in me. Usually mt decision would be to ignore it, if the emotions were true, they would come back. But you were different. In my mind, I argued. . .'I can sit here and pretend like this never happened, I can attempt to like her the way she likes me, I can leave it alone and let things happen the way time wants it to.' I decided I would try to like you. Little did I know, liking you wouldn't be such a task. I did not have to "try" to like you after that day. It just happened. Little did I know, how much I would end up liking you. Little did I know, that my heart would get so attached to you. Little did I know, my heart would never want to leave you.
I remember looking at you, just watching you. And every time you met my gaze, my heart took a trip down, to go say hi to my tummy again =0D You have this unusual control over me. How do I gain back that control? Will you ever give it back? Hmmm. . .knowing you, probably not lol. Meanie!
When I'm with you, I can't think of anywhere else in this world I'd rather be. Yeah, you piss me off, make me cry, and make me want to fxckin strangle you sometimes; but I still love you unconditionally. Compared to all the times you make me smile, and all the sensations you force through my body. All the emotions you spark back up. The end is not likely to ever come. At least not with if you stay the person you are.
More than friends, less than lovers. That works just fine for me until your heart decides where it feels most safe.
Every time you speak, it's like there was an automatic once upon a time placed before your speech. Ignoring you has never been a possibility of mine, no matter what the story was about; no matter how the story ended. From the moment we lock eyes---once upon a time; and then you begin. Every tale you tell, with more meaning that you can ever imagine to my fragile heart and eager ears. Every single word, sets my heart back in tune, ready to keep up with your melody.
"Look after my heart, I left it with you."
Whenever your gone, you take my heart with you. I no longer have a problem with it being in your hands, just take care of it. If you're gunna hurt me, do it quickly. I don't want to sit around and hope you're going to be different and not hurt me. So don't prolong it if that's your desire. Do it already, my heart is becoming too comfortable with you. If you know that you will end up throwing it across the room numerous times, do it already. Don't hold and keep it safe and warm only to abandon it. I'm leaving my heart with you, so just take care of it.
"Those who search too hard, can never find what they seek."
I was one who would always go out and look for the ones to be in my heart. You were different. You came to me. The ONLY that came to me. You came into my heart, and instantly my heart threw itself at you. I had to chase it and put it on lock down for a while. Until I saw that special something in you that I knew was worth sticking around for.
Music was always something special to me. Ever since I was a child, music was my expression, my outlet. For a while, music has been hidden in my core. The far back of my core. The core---my heart. You have now become my core.
"You are the music in me."
I listen to songs now, that only you come to mind when I hear them. I stay up late nights, attempting to learn and master songs that appeal to you, the songs that make your mind wonder. The songs that play instantly to your heart. My musical charge has been put to work again, because of you. My songs used to be dark, depressing. Now, I can play 'if you're happie and you know it' a million times before I get tired of it. lol And it's because of you. So many people have tried to bring back to life the music within me. All it took was you. All it took was an angel, sent from the powerful one above; to make the rhythm start up again. All it took was your melody, your words.
"You're the harmony to the melody that echoes inside my head. . .a single voice above the noise."
Once upon a time, there was a girl without a heart. Cold and bitter from her past loves. Just as she found her heart, an Angel came along. Her heart ran away again, right into the Angel's hands. This girl tried to take it back, but her heart just kept running into the Angel's hands. After running back and forth, chasing after her heart; she finally gave up. "Look after my heart, I left it with you," she says to herself every time the Angel leaves her sight. And now, the Angel tries to assure her that she'll guard it with her life. It's just a matter of her believing it now; if that is what the Angel really attempts to do.
"Why will it be bad?"
"Because I'm not with you."
My days spent with you are like poetry. My moments with you are picture perfect. Every word you speak, sounds like music to me. My heartbeat, the rhythm. The birds, the wind---the melody.
Poetry, photography, music. Without any of them, my life is incomplete. When you're not there, the three are hardly present. It's hard for me to find a voice in something, let alone someone. You are that something, that someone. I used to write of everything that angers me, but now my writing has taken a turn. Now the words I write, are of what makes me happie. What keeps my heart beating at crazy rhythms. What makes my mind wonder. What makes me smile to myself at random moments.
"I'll take truth for $600."
"Who is what?"
"What is her."
lol jeopardy =0pp...
but yeah...what is you. You make me happie, you keep a smile on my face, even when I don't want to smile. And if the smile isn't on my face, it's definitely on my heart. Always will there be a smile on my heart when you're around. But it's when you're not there, when I'm not with you, that smile goes away. My heart is happie with you here, with me. But because I'm not with you, my heart tends to cry.
When I hear your voice, my heart does this thing, where it just won't slow down. I don't exactly know what that means. And when you look at me, it gets even faster and drops down into my tummy. I bet my tummy and heart are the best of friends by now. They are next to each other very often whenever you're there. I don't know how to control it. I don't even know if it can be controlled. For some reason, as awkward as it feels. . .having my heart drop down into my tummy. . .it's a feeling that I wish would happen more often. A feeling that I wish could be there all of the time. But it can't. Because I'm not always with you. Because I'm not with you, that feeling isn't there. I don't know where it goes, it's just not there. And I know it's because of your absence.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. BULLSHXT!!! It may make others grow fonder, it just makes mine like any other heart. Just there, beating. But when you are here, with me, the feeling I get, it's such a funnie, weird, xczhbvphwerqtkjqwlogkzxudygfapndg type of feeling. lol.
"Say what you want, but keep your lips sealed."
I stay quiet a lot of the time when your there, because I'd rather sit and look at you. Allow my mind to think of all the things that could be going through your mind. I let my mind figure all the sensations and emotions going through your body.
What does it mean, when I look at you, and smile? I'm happie. Where I stand, I have the most beautiful view. . . .even right next to the statue of liberty, my eyes would rather find its way to your eyes instead.
Because I'm not with you, my heart gets bored. My mind goes crazy searching for something else to give me that feeling, then gets upset when there's nothing.
Because I'm not with you. . .
It can't be bought or sold, and its meaning holds no boundaries.
Your touch, every time, without failure. . .my heart increases pace. Every stroke upon my neck. Every tap on my shoulder. Every hug, every kiss.
One touch is all it takes, and my mind goes off into another world, far out from Pluto. One touch, the cure for all my pain. One touch. How can a person's touch be so powerful? She's not just a person. An angel she is. Gorgeous are her features. Her wings spread way over my head and shelters me from all. One touch is all I need.
"The slightest touch can bring the biggest sensation."
One touch from you, and my whole world is perfect.
When the word angel comes to mind, I think of only you. There was always this one person who would tell me everynight "sleep with the angels." To myself I would wish I could, my angel was you. I have trouble being around people whose name is Angel, or nickname is Angel; you always come to mind. It's already hard enough trying to get you out of my head, and then there's always something, someone---Angel.
My house has plenty of angels. My mother seems to have a fetish for them. Every corner, every wall, angel. I can never escape the walls of this house without you coming to mind. So I take a walk, still on my mind I find you.
My angel cares for me, my angel loves me. My angel has beautiful brown eyes. My angel is always there when I get hurt. My angel will put a smile on my face, even if she's the one that put the frown there to begin with. My angel wipes away my tears of sadness. My angel loves me for me.
"Your lips, your eyes, your smile, your kiss, I must admit is a part of me. You please me, complete me, believe me. Like a melody. Your soul, your flow, your youth, your truth is simply proof; that we were meant to be. But the best quality that's hookin' me is that you're loving me for me."
For many nights, I have dreamt of you. Funny dreams, heartbreaking dreams, weird dreams lol. Cinderella believes that the things you dream of are all the things that are in your heart.
Subconsciously. Knowingly. Either way, I dream of you. I'm not so sure what that means anymore. I know I love you. . . .
"If I tell you I love you, can I keep you forever"
You will always be my friend, always means forever. There isn't much of a difference between the two. Always. At all times, at any time, forever. Forever. For everlasting time, eternally, at all times, always. If you will always be my friend, that should mean i will have you forever. But if I love you. . .would that change anything? I can sit here and wait, until i find out. . .
"Waiting for you, is like waiting for rain in this drought; useless and disappointing."
That can be very true. Waiting for you can be useless and disappointing, as well as heartbreaking and brainwashing. But with that in mind, I still wait. I think my mind has gotten used to my heart overpowering, and now just won't think straight, won't think rationally about anything I feel anymore. I think my mind has grown tired of thinking of all the possibilities and outcomes, and would just rather follow my heart wherever it goes. I think my mind has realized the heart will always win.
"Listen to your heart."
They say listen to your heart for the main purpose that your mind and heart will NEVER agree. Your mind will always counterpoint because it knows the fears you have inside. Your heart has no boundaries, it knows no fear, except that of which it will be broken. Your mind is there to tell your heart not to love someone because it can get broken, but your heart will love them regardless. Your mind knows all the things that can happen, your heart doesn't have a care, all it does is love. All the running, all the drifting away, all the fears that stop you; comes only from your mind. Your heart is never afraid. All the walls and barriers built around your heart, are made by your mind.
For far too long, I've loved with my mind and not my heart. My mind has tried so long and hard to convince my heart of all the fears that are written on the walls surrounding it. My heart can read only you, and the more chapters you allow me to look in to, the more my heart fights to love you. Every page i turn, every word, expression, action i read, my heart beats stronger and faster, anticipating what's next.
"Love is a book, full of both truth and dare."
Loving you, is a dare. It's like a double dog dare. Why do they call it "double dog dares" lol...idk...buh anyways...
Yeah, loving you is a dare, and the journey to fulfilling that dare would be truth. My ways of loving you---truth.
"He loved her, and he would love her until the day he was too old for loving---but he could not have her. So he tasted the deep pain that is only reserved for the strong, just as he had tasted for a little while the deep happiness."
I know I love you. . . .but i cannot have you. You are not mine for the taking. So I'm left with the choice to leave like my mind wants me to, or stay like my heart desires. I damn near promised you I wouldn't leave, and you made it a point to remember that if I leave, you'd do everything in your power to keep me there. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and you will always be there. So if I leave, right there will be you.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. It just makes you feel empty, which is why you don't want me to leave. So if you don't want me to leave, and my heart doesn't want me to leave, why would my mind tell me to leave? Could it be because my mind is reading you differently than my heart is? My heart is blocked by many walls and gates, so there is a possibility that it can miss a lot and skip over plenty of words. But my mind is deceitful. It plenty times has convinced my easily influenced heart to do things that weren't right. And has bashed my heart when it didn't get its way.
"Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere."
Giving up shouldn't be an option, but it is a good idea if loving you is a waste of time. If I don't give up, I could end up somewhere, couldn't I? Or maybe I will juss end up nowhere. I have to get back in the habit of loving with my heart---not my mind, because I think my heart is right this time; not wanting to leave. Not giving in to my minds wishful thinking. My mind wants me to leave, my heart wants me to stay. . .I'm gunna make sure my heart wins this battle. And I will have my heart continue fighting, always and forever.
I love you with all my mind..? No no no....I'm loving you with mi corazon.
Why is it that the person you seem to have uncontrollable feelings for, can't seem to feel the same for you? Why is it common to want the things you have'nt a need for? The key of my broken heart got lost in the darkest night, how will i find it? What if i lock the lock and forget the combination? What if i lock the lock and can never unlock it again?
See I have a dilemma, I want to love you; but I think you've made it clear that you don't want me to. You can't imagine the difficulty is it, to talk to you everyday, and feel forced to hold back feelings. It is far too hard for me to sit back and no longer allow my feelings to grow, because in the end of the day, all I'm doing is hurting myself. All im doing is hiding my heart, and crushing it. All I'm doing is adding more and more locks, adding more and more chains. Building more walls, closing more doors. Holding myself back hurts more and more every day. Now what happens when you think it's the "right time" to love me? When you think it's the "right time" for me to love you? Not loving you is becoming the hardest task I've had to accomplish yet. I admit, I like you. A lot. A lot more than I planned, a lot more than I thought I ever would.
"How long will I be waiting? Until the end of time. I don't know why I'm still waiting, I can't make you mine."
There are days when I feel like you are the one for me, but then those feelings go away, because I'm not the only one. I don't even think I'm "one" at all. There are days when I feel like maybe I am a person you can love, way more than just a friend; but those feelings are gone as soon as they come; because of him. I have nothing against him, except that he has what i want. I get jealous because the moments he hugs you, he has my whole world in his hands. The moments he kisses you, he takes your heart; leaving me with nothing. How am I ever going to get the chance to love you, if you have nothing to love me back with? In his hands, will be your heart. In my hands, will be nothing. In my heart, will be you. In his heart, ? In your heart, ?
It is hard to decipher what it is that you truely want. You don't make it any easier by holding everything inside. You give me this huge puzzle, with over half the pieces missing, and want me to put it together. No insight on where the pieces may be. No insight if the pieces are even able to be found.
"There is no place like home, that is true. But home, is where the heart is; in me. Unless of course I'm looking to others for happiness. Then I have no home."
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. "If I have to go away and be absent, in order for your heart to grow fonder. . .you're really not all that fond of me, and I'm not really in your heart. If i have to disappear in order for you to appear, that just means it's the attention that you're missing. You're not missing the person the attention is coming from." If I go away, will your heart grow fonder? I want to fall for you, but I know if i do, you won't catch me. It's hard to force anything in life, even more, your feelings. If I fall, I fall. Love is just love, nothing more, nothing less. So i will fall, regardless of what you may want, regardless of what everyone else may want. Not falling for you is hurting me, so I'll try it, knowing it may hurt as well. I still have to try and see it all the way through. Giving up isn't an option of mine anymore. Running away cannot happen again. I don't know why I'm still waiting, I can't make you mine. My mind knows this, very well. But my heart just won't get the message. So I will try anyway, and see where my heart leads me.
My mind travels off onto a tangent.
Irrational thoughts and questions overpower my mind-set.
Giving me negative answers
Giving me unreal conclusions.
She loves me, she loves me not.
The root of my body tells me she does,
But my heart is always shamefully wrong,
Leaving me in endless regret.
Her smile is the prime reason for my smile
Her slight glance intersects my reality,
Transforming it into this imaginary idea of us one day
Becoming one and multiplying.
Her control over me nearing infinity.
My infatuation for her increasing with each blink of my eyes.
“Friend Zone” is where I always end up.
Her heart, my asymptote
My heart, the lonely graph.
The games she plays with my mind,
A never ending cycle.
She concludes my thoughts with extraneous solutions.
When she’s around it’s difficult to function.
My love reflects through my eyes when they light up from her presence.
She fails to realize that.
Her feelings and thoughts,
Opposite from mine.
This deep desire is turning me into sin.
My thoughts twisted into a paradox.
don’t leave me untouched.
Leave me speechless,
don’t leave me untouched.
Leave me thoughtless,
don’t leave me untouched.
I have to feel you.
I have to have an unforgettable memory of you.
So when you come, whenever you come;
And if you do,
don’t leave me untouched.
don’t leave my mind wondering.
Just say you’ll stay and show me how to love you.
Just say you’ll stay and show me how it truly feels to be touched.
I have a need to feel you.
I want to meet the real you,
Inside and out.
I cant help myself,
I want you to not leave me untouched.
I don’t want to be ?
I want to be violated,
From the hands or the tongue of you.
Blow down my neck.
Blow over my waist.
Trail down my back.
I want you to search my body,
For my hidden pleasures.
I want to be mute, dumbfounded and tongue-tied;
From the satisfaction beyond my deepest desires and thoughts.
I want to be thoughtless,
From the all time high your love has given me.
I have yet to experience your love,
And I’m already addicted…
Please don’t leave me untouched;
Or I’ll be in endless regret.
So don’t leave me untouched
everynite i go to sleep nd dream of the day,
i'll be able to fill these shoes one nite on broadway!
i close my eyes and dream, and i see the bright lights.
the same dream over and over, night after night.
it may be 2 minutes. may be an hour,
buh da dream still remains. me pretti as a flower.
dancing on a stage, without a care in the world.
jumping, and moving, and whirling in twirls.
the little dancer in the jewelry box, my idol forever more.
the day i get to be known like her, my heart no longer sore.
the song she dances to burned in my memory, and forever playing with my soul.
the day i fill these shoes, the day i feel whole!