Still On My Brain

How can you get someone off of your mind? I thought the way to do it was to have someone else occupy your mind. That hasn't worked out very well. Why is it that the more you want something or someone rather off of your mind, is the longer they stay dancing around your brain?

Having you on my brain is worse than having a song stuck in my head. The song I know will go away as soon as another song is played. You I can't tell if it will ever go away. Just because another person comes along, doesn't mean that you will be pushed to the far back of my mind. No, I can't see that happening at all. You are still on my brain and I think that's my broken hearts side effect. You will forever be on my mind.

My mind wants me to go, and my heart wants to stay. I think the two of them made some sort of compromise. My heart can't have you so it convinced my mind to always be thinking of you. Not much of a fair compromise, but it just may be better to deal with it that way. Rather than driving you completely away and forcing myself to forget about you. Now that I think of it, that it would be nearly impossible with the type of person you are, and with the way I see you everyday.

Yeah.....good job heart of mine! Good call! hehe =0]



"Are you blind? Can't you see me standing here, waiting in line for you? Are you mine? Not just when you want to be, all of the time? Are you? Are you blind? Don't you see me standing here? Won't you tell me what it is I'm waiting to find?"

I try my hardest to compose my emotions. It is becoming more and more difficult as each day passes. I try my hardest to make myself invisible to you, but I know I'm not; and that's what hurts. The fact that you can see me, and you just choose to not acknowledge it.

Where are you when I need you? Where can I find you? Will this game ever end? Will you ever come forth into the light? Where are you?

For so long I've tried my hardest to make you blind to my existence, but I know it doesn't work. But why won't it work? Why can't you go away? It's hard to leave you if you don't leave. It's hard to make you blind. So now I've turned the tables. I'm the one that's blind now. I'm the one that's gonna pretend I don't see you. I think it will be easier this way. I cannot change you, but I can change me. I do not know how hard it may be to make myself blind to your presence; but I will try. It's hard to not look in your direction, but so far; I've been okay. It is hard to turn my cheek; from a sight my eyes desire soooo badly. But so fat, I've been okay.

I'm okay.

Believe it when I say it. It may be a lie, but believe it. Maybe you just giving up will help me give up. But then again, knowing the way my heart operates, that may not be the best idea.

I'm trying so hard to make my heart okay with everything that's happening. Even though it's not. I'm trying so hard to make my mind take full control over my emotions. Even though it shouldn't be in control at all. I'm trying so hard, for you.

"Are you blind?"

Don't be blind anymore. Don't pretend to be blind anymore. Leave that up to me.

I think I can do it now.................


If It Kills Me

"And I was all alone with my hatred and the pain that was so bad it was like being tortured. Like being dragged slowly across a bed of razor blades. Pain so bad you'd take death with a smile just to get away from it."

Love hurts sooo bad. Bad enough to drive people insane. Bad enough to make people want to end they're lives.

"Well all I really wanna do is love you, a kind much closer than friends use. But I still can't say it after all we've been through. And all I really want from you is to feel me, as the feeling inside keeps building. And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me."

"For you....That's the strange thing. It's actually yours now. I don't know why it works this way, but I'm never gonna be able to get over you, and so from now on, every girl that I meet will be meticulously compared to you, and unfortunately none of them will be able to measure up to the false memory of what you and I once "had". Well maybe I can just keep it for a little while, and use it for small things like, I don't know, when I've had a really shitty day, or when I need someone to talk to, or if I need someone to move something really heavy, and then eventually, I'll give it back to you.....Unfortunately, it won't work that way....Why not?......Well, now that you have my heart, I'm pretty much an empty cavity inside, and for a lack of a better term, heartless. I will now treat each woman I meet with a passive aggressive contentiousness that will ruin relationship after relationship, for many years to come......."

You cannot live without your heart. If someone has your heart, you're gonna go to them; to get it back, to make sure they take care of it, or to just be there with them; because that's where your heart is. If your heart is with someone else, you're going to do everything you can to stay with your heart. Without your heart, you're dead. If your heart is happily beating in someone else's hands, your gonna leave it there. You're not going to take it and imprison it back within your ribcage. You're going to leave it there and push aside all the voices in your head. You're going to leave it there and completely ignore all the words they say that translate into "go away". You will leave your heart there in their hands. You will allow them to leave their fingerprints all over your heart from the way they squeezed so hard on it. You will allow them to step all over the chambers from their attempts to make your heart want to go away. You won't do a damn thing, because that's what your heart wants. That's where your heart wants to be. That's where your heart feels happie....for whatever reason.

"If I should be so bold, I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand."

Throw it, drop it, kick it, cut it, stab it, destroy it. It's still in your hands regardless.

"And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me.....it might kill me."

I'll try with all my might, to stay with my heart. I will swallow every word of hate that might want to slip from my lips. I will burst my eardrums just so that I won't have to hear the voices telling me to stop. I will smoke and drink my brain cells away just so that I won't have to ability to think of any reason to step away from what my heart wants. But eventually, deep down I can feel it, I will have to leave my heart behind....."it might kill me."



What is the purpose of dreams? I don't understand why your mind puts these images in your brain, disturbing your sleep. No one can sleep peacefully if there's a huge dinosaur looking monster heading towards your child after they've already eaten your parents. Sometimes you can't even sleep with dreams of your lover being played over and over in your mind. Don't you think it's even just a little annoying trying to get them out of your head during the day and having no control of dreaming about them in the night? Isn't it disturbing having dreams of people you've NEVER seen in your life? Or dreaming of terrible things happening to the most important people to you? Or maybe even dreaming of everything being sooo perfect? Doesn't that annoy anyone? Or is it just me? Having everything be so perfect when you sleep, but then when you wake up, you know it is nothing like what you've dreamt? Having nightmares that scare the hell out of you, and then when you wake up you're terrified to do things with the play-by-play of your dream dictating every move you make? What is the main purpose of dreams? Why can't your mind rest like the rest of your body? Why doesn't your mind sleep? Where does your mind get all of these random scenarios? Just a thought...