love lockdown


Why is it that the person you seem to have uncontrollable feelings for, can't seem to feel the same for you? Why is it common to want the things you have'nt a need for? The key of my broken heart got lost in the darkest night, how will i find it? What if i lock the lock and forget the combination? What if i lock the lock and can never unlock it again?

See I have a dilemma, I want to love you; but I think you've made it clear that you don't want me to. You can't imagine the difficulty is it, to talk to you everyday, and feel forced to hold back feelings. It is far too hard for me to sit back and no longer allow my feelings to grow, because in the end of the day, all I'm doing is hurting myself. All im doing is hiding my heart, and crushing it. All I'm doing is adding more and more locks, adding more and more chains. Building more walls, closing more doors. Holding myself back hurts more and more every day. Now what happens when you think it's the "right time" to love me? When you think it's the "right time" for me to love you? Not loving you is becoming the hardest task I've had to accomplish yet. I admit, I like you. A lot. A lot more than I planned, a lot more than I thought I ever would.

"How long will I be waiting? Until the end of time. I don't know why I'm still waiting, I can't make you mine."

There are days when I feel like you are the one for me, but then those feelings go away, because I'm not the only one. I don't even think I'm "one" at all. There are days when I feel like maybe I am a person you can love, way more than just a friend; but those feelings are gone as soon as they come; because of him. I have nothing against him, except that he has what i want. I get jealous because the moments he hugs you, he has my whole world in his hands. The moments he kisses you, he takes your heart; leaving me with nothing. How am I ever going to get the chance to love you, if you have nothing to love me back with? In his hands, will be your heart. In my hands, will be nothing. In my heart, will be you. In his heart, ? In your heart, ?

It is hard to decipher what it is that you truely want. You don't make it any easier by holding everything inside. You give me this huge puzzle, with over half the pieces missing, and want me to put it together. No insight on where the pieces may be. No insight if the pieces are even able to be found.

"There is no place like home, that is true. But home, is where the heart is; in me. Unless of course I'm looking to others for happiness. Then I have no home."

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. "If I have to go away and be absent, in order for your heart to grow fonder. . .you're really not all that fond of me, and I'm not really in your heart. If i have to disappear in order for you to appear, that just means it's the attention that you're missing. You're not missing the person the attention is coming from." If I go away, will your heart grow fonder? I want to fall for you, but I know if i do, you won't catch me. It's hard to force anything in life, even more, your feelings. If I fall, I fall. Love is just love, nothing more, nothing less. So i will fall, regardless of what you may want, regardless of what everyone else may want. Not falling for you is hurting me, so I'll try it, knowing it may hurt as well. I still have to try and see it all the way through. Giving up isn't an option of mine anymore. Running away cannot happen again. I don't know why I'm still waiting, I can't make you mine. My mind knows this, very well. But my heart just won't get the message. So I will try anyway, and see where my heart leads me.

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